What’s up, little man? Let’s buy you some Tonka Trucks, some action figures. No, don’t call them dolls. You’re a man so they’re called action figures. You should be playing with these Nerf Guns, those are cool. Wait, what’s that? Why do you want that toy? It’s pink! No way. Here, take this toy gun and theses GI Joe action figures. He’s a little man, start him off on the right track and get him some real toys. None of that Barbie shit.

Hey, man. Now that you’re older you’re gonna have to start being the man of the house. So no more crying. That’ll just make you look like a little girl and that’s not what you are. You’re becoming the man of the house. Soon you’ll have to start working and holding in all of your feelings. That’s what it all means. How are things going at school, tough guy? Any bullies picking on you? Don’t hesitate to hit them back, don’t cry about it like a wuss. You’re a boy! You know how to fight! Be sure to use your fists, they’re there for a reason, son.

Don’t let these women out here pull a fast one on you. Most are just gold-diggers, here on this Earth for you to use any way you want. As a guy, the responsibilities of staying faithful in a relationship aren’t pushed on you. Women are a dime a dozen. Remember that until you find one to make your old lady. There’s just one rule: Don’t you ever in all your life raise your hand to a woman. You’re a man, not a barbarian.

Luckily, society gives you a free pass on almost everything! You’re privileged so the job market will be easy for you. Just be sure not to whine or anything if your employer sexually harasses you; especially if it’s a woman harassing you. Can you even call it that? What man wouldn’t want to have some action with a hot, dominant woman! If you don’t like it, you must be gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a gay man, but it just makes you so… feminine.

Listen, big guy. The world is yours. This is a man’s world until the man lets the world crush him. So always stay in control and stay on strong always. After all, you’re a man, aren’t you?

Premise: My creative writing professor asked the females in the class to write two pages on what it meant to be a girl, and for the males to do the same about what it meant to be a boy. Later, she had us do the opposite; females wrote about what it meant to be a boy, males wrote what it meant to be a girl. You can find my version of the story here.


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